“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.” - Byron Katie

Have you ever been lucky enough to have a limiting belief cracked wide open? 

Let me explain...the first time I remember it happening to me I did not even know what a limiting belief was, you might not either and that is okay. It's a realization that shatters your world, but in a good way. When you discover a belief you always held as truth, is not actually not the truth - it's mind blowing.

A limiting belief is an assumption we form. It causes us pain or stress. These beliefs are "the rules" we set up based on our experiences. We assume everyone abides by the same rules or at least they "should". 

We develop many of our beliefs from our family of origin, the people who shape our early views of the world. As we gain exposure to more people and experiences, our awareness opens up and we start to form our own opinions. Limiting beliefs can be hard to see but they do constrain us, they hold us back. 

Perhaps it's because I'm a middle child, but somewhere along the way I developed a belief that "you have to be competitive to be successful" and "if you aren't competitive you will lose and there is not enough for everyone" or something along those lines. I just knew I did not want to lose.

It drove me. During middle school and high school I competed in sports. I earned decent grades. I didn't want to be left out. I craved approval. I was accepted into the university I wanted to go to. My mission was to always be one step ahead, to find a way to win or at least "not lose". 

This way of living was stressful. Innately I'm a driven and ambitious person, I enjoy winning but not at the expense of seeing someone else lose. I assumed everyone wanted to win and because of my belief I assumed that those who "lost" were devastated. I believed that there wasn't enough to go around and if you didn't stay ahead you might have to go without. There are not enough jobs, there isn't enough money, there is not enough food, etc.

Then one day, sometime during my senior year of college I was having a discussion with someone, I don't even remember who or exactly how it went. I do remember having a huge "AHA" moment though. My friend simply said they were not competitive and hated competing. As long as they do their best they are perfectly fine with coming in last. There will always be enough for everyone. It didn't matter, they didn't care. Whoa, what? You are telling me you are not devastated and don't feel left out or worthless if you lose?

Cracked. Me. Open. 

You mean "everyone" isn't competing and trying to climb this metaphorical ladder? It's not every man for himself? It's not an "as long as I get mine then I can help you get yours" world I live in? There are people who are okay with being at the bottom of the ladder and push others up ahead of them and they are genuinely happy to do so? There are people who honestly want to help you get yours first, because there will always be enough left for me? Sign me up!

“The world has enough for everyone's need, but not enough for everyone's greed.” ~ Mahatma Ghandi

My world opened up. I let it all go. It relieved so much stress and anxiety. I could just be me. I wasn't being judged on where I was on the ladder. In fact, if I was up high, I could happily reach down and help someone else up, even help them climb past me and I would be okay. Heck, someone has to be on the bottom, but suddenly it no longer held the same meaning, it didn't mean loser. Whoever it was I was speaking with was someone I admired, someone who had it all together. Certainly they were not a loser. This awareness freed me.

I realized I was making judgments about people who came in last or who failed at something. I assumed they didn't try and they must be sulking with embarrassment and shame. Wrong. Turns out they have the confidence to handle losing, it was me who had the problem. It was me with the judgments, insecurities, embarrassment and shame. Once I questioned my belief and let it go, I was free to try new things without fear of failure.

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default." ~ J.K. Rowling

We are all in this world together. We need to help each other out. We all have our individual strengths. There is plenty to go around.

I'll help you, and maybe you'll help me, if not I'll still be okay!

It's taken years of trial and error, but I am learning to be a better person. To genuinely mean it when I say I want the best for you, for all of you. We are all super important, we each have special and amazing talents and gifts to offer. 

If we can open ourselves up and question our own limiting beliefs it will increase our own self awareness and the whole world will be a better place.

There are no losers, if you believe there are I invite you to start examining your own judgments and beliefs. There is peace and freedom on the other side.

I am working hard on myself, if you are interested in working on yourself contact me today.

"Baby I'm a Star" ~ Prince

Who has the leading role in your life?

I hope you said you. Unfortunately many of us choose a minor role in our own prime time blockbuster hit...our own life. 

Have you ever squashed a dream because you worry about what other people might think?

Have you ever settled for the status quo because you didn't want to stir the pot?

Or because you fear failure and don't want to hear "I told you so"?

If you have, you are not alone. Traveling the safe path, the known path is so much easier. It involves less risk. A role for everyone and everyone in their role.

But what if you feel a pull to do something different, something not scripted? Something that goes against the grain of what “everyone” expects?

Imagine your life as a movie. See yourself up on the big screen. What type of movie is it? An action movie? Drama, comedy, tragedy, romance, fantasy or horror?

Who, besides yourself is in this movie? These people are your cast of characters.

Our cast of characters consists of all the people in our life. A few, like family members, are with us for the long haul. Others appear for a short time, play an important role, and leave. Of course there are many “extras’ too, the background folks. Characters weave in and out of our life all the time, teaching us lessons.

Sometimes, however, we let our cast of characters direct, produce and write our life script. We take a backseat, even if it makes us miserable. We plaster a smile on our face and tell ourselves this is just how life is, suck it up. Don’t make waves. We don’t want to disappoint anyone.

After all:

What will everybody say if I quit my six figure corporate job and open a sandwich shop??

How can I be a nurse when everyone wants me to be a doctor?

I invested so much time and money, blood, sweat and tears to get my law degree, how can I not become a lawyer, what will people say?

I can’t cancel my engagement now, the invitations have already gone out. I’m sure everything will be okay if I just go through with the wedding. I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

Thoughts like these drive our behavior.

Who are these people we are so worried about? Who is "everybody"? Surely we don’t really mean EVERYBODY.

According to Dr. Martha Beck, “our everybody” usually boils down to only 3 to 6 people. That’s a far cry from EVERYBODY. Stop and think about that for a moment. We make decisions about our life, possibly big decisions based on fear of the judgment of 3 to 6 people.

Think about your cast of characters for a moment. Who among them influence you the most? Whose approval do you crave?

When we try to meet the expectations of others - parents and teachers for example, we may lose ourselves and end up with unfulfilling work or relationships that don’t work. 

Let’s go back to the movie…

What kind of genre do you wish you were starring in? If you currently see yourself living a drama, but want a comedy, what do you need to do to bring more fun and laughter into your life?

Cast in the leading role, it’s your choice. Everyone else is there to support you. See, the thing is to them, you are a supporting character in their life.

As the hero or heroine you get to decide how the next scene will play out. Take the bull by the horns and direct your own life. See what happens.

I spent years wanting something different. I didn't know exactly what or how to get there, and I was afraid of what people would think. I worried about investing money into a new career. I told myself it was too late, I should stay on my current path, in my established career with my great income. But the calling deep within me wouldn't quiet down. I knew I was not being true to myself.

So I took the plunge and became a Life Coach. I couldn't be happier. I have met so many amazing people and created friendships with like-minded souls. “Everybody” might scoff or make fun of me. I no longer care. So what if I fail? At least I will never look back and wonder "what if".

When you’re in your final act, will you look back with pride? Would you want to watch again? Don't let your movie go straight to video when you can give an Oscar winning performance. Have no regrets, play out those scenes with gusto. Be bold. Take off your mask and be yourself, it's time.

Start today, stop worrying about "everybody" and become the star you were born to be. Live fearlessly and see what happens!

 
If you feel a tug for something more but don't know what or how to get there, I can help. Contact me for a free consultation.

“When you argue with reality, you lose, but only 100% of the time” ~ Byron Katie

We can’t help our thoughts, they just come along, one after the other. Constantly ebbing and flowing as we go about our daily lives. Most of them come and go without much reflection. But some of them get stuck, causing us to develop beliefs about someone or something that may not be true. This ends up causing us stress or pain. It limits us.

Beliefs are the lens through which we see the world. They are stories we tell ourselves. They are formed based on our experiences as we go about life. Some of them come from our families of origin because we were taught by them to see the world in a particular way. Others are formed along the way.

Since I have started life coaching, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about thoughts and limiting beliefs. I help my clients pinpoint their stressful thoughts and examine their limiting beliefs. Because I find this work fascinating as well as extremely powerful, I have been really trying to pay attention to my own thoughts and beliefs too.

For example, I really dislike shopping at a certain big box store. I believe the experience is always going to be horrible. From the moment I pull into the parking lot my judgments and expectations start. I expect the parking lot to be packed. People will be walking super slow and holding up traffic, carts will be in the way etc. 

Yep, people here don’t know what to do in the parking lot. They are doing it wrong.

Then I get inside and the aisles are crowded because there are always “specials” cluttering the pathway. 

They really should keep these aisles more open, it would make it easier.

Eventually I make my way to the checkout line. 

Of course they don’t have enough lanes open, typical of this place, now I will have to wait forever.

Finally, it’s almost my turn. All the items for the person if front of me have been scanned and bagged. Then I see her digging around in her purse…for her checkbook.  

Ugh, why is she just now getting out her checkbook? She could have done that while he was scanning and bagging. She should have already filled in the check except for the dollar amount. She should have been prepared!

The whole shopping trip is a stressful experience. It doesn’t have to be. I expected it to be based on my previous experiences there. I have a limiting belief that this Big Box store is a nightmare to shop at from beginning to end. I rarely go there but sometimes I have to. Millions of other people shop at said store every day, they love it there. So why does it get under my skin so badly?

I have created a belief (Big Box store is always a nightmare, the people don't know what they are doing), based on my past experiences. To me, this belief is absolutely true and that causes me stress. A belief is a feeling of certainty about what something means.

So what can we do about it?

Once we start to question our beliefs we no longer feel absolutely certain about them. This starts to open up our minds to a different reality.

If I can give up my belief about this store, my trip would be stress free. It would allow me a more enjoyable experience. I might shop there more, probably saving money.

A helpful way to question limiting beliefs is by using The Work of Byron Katie, where you write it down, ask four questions and turn it around.

Here is my example:

Big Box is a nightmare, the people don't know what they are doing

1. Is it true? Yes
   
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? No
   
3. How do you react when you believe that thought? Judgmental, stressed, unhappy, reluctant 
   
4. Who would you be without that thought? A more calm, peaceful, stress-free person
   

Here’s are a few examples of ways to turn each thought around along with a supporting example:

People here don’t know what to do in a parking lot, they are doing it wrong

I don’t know what to do in a parking lot, I am doing it wrong (at least this particular lot, things work differently here)

People here DO know what to do in a parking lot, they are doing it right (they aren’t stressed, this is how things roll here)

They really should keep these aisles open, it would make it easier

They really shouldn’t keep these aisles open, it wouldn’t make it easier (the sale items are conveniently located right where I am walking)

I will have to wait forever

I will not have to wait forever (forever is a really long time!)

Forever will have to wait for me (when I’m done shopping, my forever will be there waiting, this is what I’m doing now in the present moment)

She should have been prepared

I should have been prepared (I know this often happens, I should prepare for it, expect it, and allow for it)

She should not have been prepared (Why does she have to live by my rules? This is  how she does it)

 
By taking a stressful situation and noticing my thoughts about it, I was able to turn them around and see the truth of the matter. This big box store is the way it is, that is the reality. I can cause myself stress about it or I can love what is and have a peaceful experience when I go there because I freed up my belief that big box is a nightmare and people don't know what they are doing. I can now view it from a different lens. I don't know what I'm doing when I go there.

Happy Shopping!!

If you are interested in learning more about limiting beliefs, I would suggest picking up “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie. If you would like to identify and work on your own self-limiting beliefs contact me for a free consultation or find a Life Coach or facilitator experienced in The Work.